The end of this week marks a small but significant passage of time for me. I will officially have been back at work for one whole year. Looking back at our vlogs from the first time I dropped Martha off and trotted back to work, I can see that I have mixed feelings about my new (albeit) temporary life.
Leaving Martha has been without question so very hard; I have hated it, every second and if I’m honest that has at times torn me to pieces. The plan was always for me to return to work full time, but after several issues with finding childcare that we were happy with and Mummy being reduced to a quivering wreck, we weighed up our finances (and my personal well being) and made the decision that I would reduce my time at work temporarily, to 3 days. It has been the best decision we could have made; we have struggled with our money, but the snippets of time I have treasured with Martha in between my time at work, have been such a blessing to me.
I have found it hard to be ‘part-time’ in every sense of the word. I am a part-time worker; I miss out on things, I have to re-adjust every time I have days off with Martha and get my work head on, I have to work bloomin’ hard when I am in work, knowing I won’t get chance to finish things later and I try at all costs not to work on the days I am home with Martha, but work commitments have meant I have had to go into work during several evenings on my ‘home’ days.
The guilt that comes with being a part-time Mummy has also been a bit awful; I’m here and Martha is happy and settled and then I’m gone again. There is no doubt that Martha has to constantly adjust to a different routine between myself and the childminder, which inevitably interferes with her sleeping and eating pattern. There are days when Martha seems so content with me I worry about what I’m missing out on. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought about doing something with Martha for the first time and thought “I’ll save it for the weekend” only to come home and read in her little daily book that she did it that day.
Working part-time is sometimes the best of a bad situation, there are times I feel so thinly spread between trying to do my job (the way I did when I was single and it was everything) and being a good Mummy; one who isn’t stressed about working, has time to play and dance around to the Peppa Pig theme tune.
Martha has had some great experiences with her Childminder (who she utterly adores), she thoroughly enjoys her spacious garden, trampoline and room full to the brim of different toys every day! I remain very grateful to have found our Childminder, she made the hardest battle I have ever faced just that little bit easier.
The battle of course remains internally within me; I know I need my career, it matters, it is stimulating, bloody hard and ridiculously rewarding at times. It awakens a part of me I like about myself. Being a Mummy still remains the most overwhelming part of my life; it is the part of me I never knew was there, it nourishes my soul, pushes me to breaking point and blesses me every single day. It is difficult to let go of either – it is hard to be just ‘part-time’ not fully present in either side of my life, but constantly pulled between the two and often not feeling adequate in either.
I’d love to hear your comments !
Stay Happy x